fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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