I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
