I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
