I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
