Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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