My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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