I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
