Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I am available for nakedness
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
