He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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