If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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