if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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