dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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