you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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