So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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