I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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