I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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