I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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