Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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