can we get nightvision for the apartment?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We have started to decorate penises.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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