Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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