k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
