Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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