Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
