I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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