swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
