shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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