Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
