It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
