She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
