He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
