I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
