Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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