I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
