There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
