I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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