Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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