There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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