i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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