Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
