saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
try to milk me bitch
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize