How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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