She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
