FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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