dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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