If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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