if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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