apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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