if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
