I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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