it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
