I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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