i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
