I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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