so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
