Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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