Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
