Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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