I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
